Leaving Marriage For Affair Partner: 8 Predictable Issues (2024)

The allure of a new relationship can be intoxicating, especially when your current marriage feels unfulfilling. But before you make the leap from spouse to affair partner, consider this sobering statistic: over 75% of marriages that begin as affairs never reach their 5th anniversary.¹ As a clinical psychologist who has counseled many couples in this situation, I’ve seen firsthand the unique challenges these relationships face. Let’s dive into the reasons why leaving your marriage for an affair partner is often a rocky path fraught with unexpected obstacles.

The trust deficit

When a relationship is born from infidelity, trust issues often linger.² Even if you felt justified in leaving your marriage, your new partner may always wonder, “If they cheated with me, will they cheat on me?” This bothersome doubt can breed insecurity and fuel constant reassurance-seeking that erodes the relationship over time.

Consider Nicholas and Amber, a couple in their late 20s who fell in love while Nicholas was still married to Emily. They lived in Seattle, where Nicholas worked as a software engineer and Emily taught elementary school. Once the affair came to light, Nicholas divorced Emily, leaving her to co-parent their two young children while he moved in with Amber.

Though initially thrilling, the weight of their actions soon caught up with them. Amber struggled to trust Nicholas when he worked late or texted with female colleagues. The guilt of breaking up a family hung over Nicholas, souring his excitement about the new relationship. Like many affair partners, they had to grapple with the repercussions of their choices.

The comparison trap

Affairs often thrive on fantasy – the false belief that the new partner is the soulmate you’ve always longed for, in contrast to your ho-hum spouse.³ But once real life sets in, the bloom falls off the rose. Suddenly, your affair partner’s quirks aren’t so endearing and the day-to-day grind of cohabitation feels all too familiar.

Emily struggled to make sense of how Nicholas could walk away from ten years of marriage for a woman he’d known less than one. She pored over photos of Amber on social media, comparing herself mercilessly. This pattern of “affair partner competition” is extremely common and psychologically destructive for the left-behind spouse.⁴

Collateral damage

While caught up in the passion of an affair, it’s easy to overlook the shrapnel it sprays into other people’s lives. Children are especially vulnerable, often feeling confused, betrayed, and torn between loyalty to each parent.⁵ Extended family and mutual friends can also get caught in the crossfire, forced to take sides or sever ties altogether.

Though Emily had primary custody, Nicholas’ children struggled to adjust to shuffling between two households and welcoming his new live-in girlfriend. They missed their father desperately and resented Amber as the cause of the family breakdown. The tension put an enormous strain on Nicholas and Amber’s relationship as they clashed over parenting styles and discipline.

Socially, the affair divided their friend group into camps, with several of Nicholas’ buddies disapproving of his actions and refusing to spend time with the new couple. The isolation narrowed their social circle to a small echo chamber of supporters.

Practical hurdles

Logistically and financially, disentangling two lives and merging them with a new partner is rarely a smooth process.⁶ Contentious divorce proceedings can drag out for many months, racking up legal fees and prolonging the emotional turmoil for everyone involved. Even in the best case scenarios, separating assets, selling a family home, and negotiating custody takes a heavy toll.

Despite earning a good salary, Nicholas was strapped for cash covering spousal and child support on top of rent for a new apartment with Amber. The financial strain created a power imbalance, where Amber grew to resent Nicholas’ inability to wine and dine her or splurge on romantic getaways as he had during the affair. Amber also realized that she and Nick had fewer resources than had she involved herself with a single man. She, too, was supporting his “other family.” While Amber did want children, she hadn’t fully considered that being with Nick would mean ending up often as primary parent half of the time. And Nicholas seemed unwilling to consider having additional children with Amber, given his current level of stress.

Coupled with the legal black cloud of the divorce, the relationship no longer felt carefree and spontaneous. Afterward, the strain of a blended family was real.

Aftermath

Perhaps the greatest challenge of leaving your marriage for an affair partner is the unrealistic expectation that this new relationship, forged in secrecy and deception, will be free from the issues that plagued the old one.⁷ The hard truth is, we each bring ourselves – our baggage, blind spots, and unmet needs – into every relationship we enter. Falling into an affair may be an intoxicating distraction from long-simmering marital problems, but it’s rarely an effective solution.

That’s not to say that a marriage that begins as an affair is doomed to fail. With self-awareness, empathy for all involved, stellar communication skills, and a willingness to seek professional help, some do go the distance. But the odds aren’t favorable. One longitudinal study found that only 5-7% of affair partners end up marrying each other.⁸ Of those, about 75% end in divorce.

The missing foundation

Most couples can fondly reminisce about their early days together – the magical first date, meeting the parents, moving in together. These milestones become the bedrock of their shared history, a foundation they can fall back on when times get tough.

But for affair partners, the early chapters of the relationship are often tinged with guilt, secrecy and shame. There may be no cute courtship story to tell, no family celebrations of the new union. Instead, the relationship is forged in duplicity, with late night trysts and furtive text messages.

When Nicholas and Amber began couples therapy, about two years into their relationship, I noticed how they skirted around the details of how they met and fell in love during the Bulher Oral History. The typical tale of “he asked me out, we had an amazing first date” was conspicuously missing. Instead, they recounted an illicit office flirtation that culminated in a drunken one-night stand.

At first, they tried to rewrite history saying they were “basically separated” when they got together. But eventually, the messy truth came out. As they unpacked the origins of their relationship, both fidgeted with discomfort. Amber in particular seemed to feel the absence of a “how we met” story she could proudly share with friends and family. Nicholas had one with Emily. She did not.

Over time, this “missing piece” in a couple’s history can loom larger, becoming a trap door in the foundation of the relationship. With no positive nostalgia to fall back on, affair partners may feel unanchored – as if their entire relationship is mired in moral compromise.9 This can interact with the trust issues described earlier, amplifying insecurities and creating an undercurrent of relationship anxiety.

Summary

So before you choose the promise of new love over the commitment you’ve already made, pause and consider: is your current relationship truly beyond repair? Have you earnestly attempted to address the issues with your spouse and rebuild your connection? Or are you letting the fantasy of an affair lure you away from doing the hard work of showing up in your marriage?

Only you can answer those questions for yourself. But as someone who has walked alongside countless couples grappling with the fallout of infidelity, I would urge you to think long and hard before leaping. The grass isn’t always greener, and the collateral damage can be catastrophic. Tread carefully.

Footnotes

Knopp, K., Scott, S., Ritchie, L., Rhoades, G. K., Markman, H. J., & Stanley, S. M. (2017). Once a cheater, always a cheater? Serial infidelity across subsequent relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(8), 2301-2311.
Warach, B., & Josephs, L. (2021). The aftershocks of infidelity: a review of infidelity-based attachment trauma. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 36(1), 68-90.
Schmitt, D. P. (2004). Patterns and universals of mate poaching across 53 nations: the effects of sex, culture, and personality on romantically attracting another person’s partner. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 86(4), 560-584.
DeLecce, T. L., & Weisfeld, G. E. (2016). An evolutionary explanation for sex differences in nonmarital breakup experiences. Adaptive Human Behavior and Physiology, 2(3), 234-251.
Weiser, D. A., & Weigel, D. J. (2017). Exploring intergenerational patterns of infidelity. Personal Relationships, 24(4), 933-952.
Shrout, M. R., & Weigel, D. J. (2019). “Should I stay or should I go?” Understanding the noninvolved partner’s decision-making process following infidelity.Journal of Social and Personal Relationships,36(2), 400-420.
Allen, E. S., & Atkins, D. C. (2012). The association of divorce and extramarital sex in a representative U.S. sample. Journal of Family Issues, 33(11), 1477-1493.
Ziv, I., Lubin, O. B. H., & Asher, S. (2018). “I swear I will never betray you”: factors reported by spouses as helping them resist extramarital sex in relation to gender, marriage length, and religiosity. The Journal of Sex Research, 55(2), 236-251.

Written by Dr. Kathy McMahon

I feel passionate about couples therapy and sex therapy and hold a deep respect for those who invest in making their relationship better. I have an active interactional style that is no-nonsense but sweetened with humor and empathetic engagement. I care deeply about my couples.

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I appreciate this article tremendously, and the richness of these comments. Thank you, Dr. K, and the responding community, for your bravery, vulnerability, and resilience. Life is complex, and so is love.
I have been with my husband for 16 years, and we’ve been married for 6. We started dating when we were teenagers, and I love(d) him dearly. On a good day, we are opposites with a great gift for balancing each other and correcting the other’s excesses. On a not so good day, we trigger each other because our differences in how we communicate, our ambition levels, and in sexual appetites. These issues, to some degree or another, were always present. I wanted to go to therapy, I wanted to talk about how to move things along, but my husband wasn’t always open to those things, and nothing seemed to change. 10 years ago, I decided to go into a chat room to distract myself because I was frustrated in how he didn’t seem to be moving along educationally, occupationally, or sexually, and he didn’t seem to be able to talk to me about why. I met a man who I clicked really well with, in a sensual and non-sensual way. Our connection led into an emotional affair. I felt shame because I didn’t share this at first with my boyfriend/husband, and so I did. My affair partner (AP) was already married. Over the next several years, my AP and I were on and off with our contact, while we dealt with our respective marriages. He had a child with his wife, while my husband and I worked towards getting a house to have a family of our own. Every time my AP and I were in contact, we fell in love again and always discussed a life together as we felt we had more in common with each other. We both, however, were scared to take the leap for the reasons mentioned in this article. My husband was also aware of the times my AP and I were in contact, and allowed it to help me explore myself, and “get it out” of my system so that I could organically let it go and focus on our marriage. I know in hindsight, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to partake in this.
Meanwhile, I learned after many years why my husband and I weren’t moving forward in our goals for a house and kids; he had been elaborately lying about his education and income. He would say he felt unworthy of being with me, as I was comparatively more successful and confident with my sexual wants/identity. This put a huge strain on our trust and already-strained sexual intimacy. My husband allowed my affair, he told me, as a form of penance for not showing up in our marriage. I felt gutted, confused, and heartbroken. I learned that this only hurt so much because I still love my husband, despite having also been in love with my AP. It took a lot of therapy, but I can genuinely admit to the fact that I love both men and could see myself spending a lifetime with either of them. I didn’t want to be in this weird love triangle (or rectangle, if you count my AP’s wife) and I want to be in a monogamous marriage where I could turn to 1 person for my needs and wants. I realized having 2 relationships served the purpose of giving me what I might’ve been missing in either one by itself. In one relationship, I had a best friend, stability, and loyalty. In the other, there was passion, excitement, and similar attitudes in education, ambition, and personality traits.
In these last 10 years, my AP and husband met, I visited my AP in his country, and things eventually came to a turning point where my AP and I consummated our relationship for the first time during a vacation together this past winter. We both felt like this changed our lives and gave us perspective and an awakening that we didn’t have before consummating; what would it be like to be together, the culture changes, etc. Shortly after this, my AP filed for divorce from his wife, and said that he is tired of lying about/to himself. He revealed himself and our affair to his wife, friends, and family. Now, they are fully divorced, and my AP is going to therapy so that the patterns he had of infidelity towards his ex-wife doesn’t happen again. He genuinely seems invested in changing bad habits and has invited more than once to be with him at last if I should divorce my husband. My AP said that while the influence of our relationship had a lot to do with his awakening, he told me I was not bound to be with him if I still was in love with my husband. My AP divorced his wife because he realized he needed to, that what he wanted was what we shared, and he realized he never had that in his marriage. He wants me to choose freely, but if I chose to be with him, I’d need to commit to him fully. This would not only require me to move to his country so he could stay close to his child, but to also embrace monogamy, my own therapeutic journey, and living as husband and wife in a sober and dedicated fashion.
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Earlier this year, I filed for divorce from my husband for my own reasons as well, mostly the difficulty there was in communication, passion, and trust; it’s hard for me to look past the lies and the economic/sexual imbalance between us, and for him, he cannot be with me anymore if I still have my AP in my life. My husband still wants to reconcile, though, if I can live soberly as his committed wife. We’ve been living separately for a couple of months to allow him to focus on catching up on his education so he can show proof that he’s doing it this time, as well as to give me time to reflect and be willing to decide once and for all where to go next in my life. Next month, we are going to see each other again to take an inventory of how our hearts and minds are about letting the divorce finalize, or whether to reconcile under the healthier boundaries we’ve come to set for ourselves and for each other.
The month after, my AP wants to visit me in my country, and meet my family, who know of him. If we decide to proceed with our relationship, it is anticipated that I meet his family, his son, and marry him when my divorce finalizes. My AP also wants for us to look deep inside of ourselves to see if we can at last be together under the healthier boundaries that, in therapy, we’ve learned can help us avoid the pitfalls of our previous marriages. In my state, I am now considered single, unless I revoke my divorce process before it is finalized later this year.
I am at a crossroads in my life, and I don’t want to live outside of my personal compass of integrity again. I’ve had my affair, and even when it was openly communicated and it was only for a man I loved, I never want to have an affair again. It is so painful, confusing, and avoidable. Yes, these were incredible experiences, and I learned a lot about myself and about people, but in the future I realize the antidote to engaging in these behaviors would’ve been to assert my self-esteem, not settle for anything less than what I’ve known to always want and live towards sharing those needs/goals with 1 person. I don’t personally have a vendetta against people who practice in ethical non-monogamy, but it is not a lifestyle I want. I engaged in non-monogamy as a response to trauma in my life that showed me the dangers of commitment, and so I felt like this was a way to feel close to people without ever getting in too deep. I’ve had to grapple and unpack these underlying issues through therapy, meditation, and participating in Sex/Love Addicts Anonymous meetings to continue my recovery. I am at a point in my growth where I am ready (or as ready as I’ll ever be) to choose one person and make the ultimate decision to create life with them and commit myself to them. I am unsure of what my life will look like in a few months, but I am hopeful that it is towards that committed monogamy that I want to have with one of these men whom I love, and have loved, with all I have. I will be choosing a partner based on how well our actions have matched our words, and well I feel like we will be able to live in integrity.
Despite what some might think, people are complex, and people can change. There is always hope when we are willing to forgive ourselves, and each other. I appreciate any advice the author or the community might have for my situation.
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1. Thank you for your sharing. -Dr. K
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I know I’m an exception, but I cheated on my wife, married my affair partner, and I’m so very happy I did. I faced some of the issues you talked about. For instance, when married to my first wife, I had a very comfortable living and was well off financially. As a result of the affair, I lost my job and went broke. To quote a song, “I’d call that a bargain, the best I ever had.”
Other of your points are completely opposite to my experience. The longer I’m with my 2nd wife, the more I realize the blandness (at best) of the 29 years of marital “love” of my first marriage. I don’t have respect for my ex, the mother of my 3 grown children, and doesn’t want or deserve any from me.
Sometimes the grass really is greener. Sometimes the affair partner really does provide the cheater with what true marital bliss can be.
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1. I am currently in a 15-year marriage. My husband has several health problems and has Erectile Dysfunction. It began right after we married. My husband and I are fantastic friends, but I have not been satisfied for many, many years. When we dated, we were very sexually active and quite adventurous. But with the ED, I found myself begging him to be affectionate, to no avail. I complained about the lack of sexual affection for 13 years!! It started when I was just 40!! I begged, I had lengthy conversations with him, I provided reading materials, I suggested therapy, I proposed date nights, initiating French kissing regularly, scheduled sex nights. All of this was rejected and neglected. All responses resembled a “Whoa is me. You deserve better. I’m sorry.” type attitude. As if to turn the tables and make me feel bad for him, instead. We became roommates for years! Platonically, we are great! But, that’s not enough for me. Pleasing myself became a way of life. Suddenly, during the COVID lockdown, my first love from high school reached out to me. He is single. We talked constantly and found that our feelings never disappeared and were just as intense as they were when we were young. This was 42 years ago!! We, also, found out that our mothers thought our relationship was too serious for our ages and forced us to break-up!! It was a plan that they secretly devised and executed. He was forbidden from going down my street to deliver papers. And, we were both forced to go to church and prayer meetings – separately – for a whole summer. Our feelings were still strong for each other, but we didn’t reconnect. We just flirted with each other in the halls of school while we dated other people. Fast forward to graduation and we found ourselves at the same party and single. We talked, kissed, and ended up sleeping together. Then, he went off to college across the country, two weeks later, and we never spoke again for 42 years. Now, we both have grown children, and we don’t want to waste any more time apart. Unlike my husband, my old flame and I grew up in the same town, we were raised similarly with military backgrounds. We have very similar family dynamics. We are evenly yoked!! We had to find out if our connection is real or in our heads, so we slept together once, 8 months after reconnecting. WE KNOW. IT’S REAL. But we won’t sleep together again until I am free. We’ve been talking daily since Jan. 2020. He travels a lot and plans to retire in a couple of years. I don’t want to hurt my husband, but I can’t stay with him and love this other man the way that I do. It’s time to make a move. My true love takes care of his mother and told her that we reconnected. She was so sorry and regretful for making us break up. She sees we are in love and thinks both mothers made a big mistake. My mother has passed away, but he told his mother that we were young, and they did what they thought was best. Today, he and I are in our mid-fifties. He is VERY wealthy and wants to give me a new life and provide generational wealth to my grown children. We have plans to be together this fall.
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Loved reading this article. I’ve never had an affair and never would but I’ve been cheated on and left. I’ve observed friends and acquaintances go down this path and very rarely does it last. Those who do are few and very far between let me tell you. Actually I know 4 or 5 couples but that’s it and even when its lasted the fallout for most of them has been from where I’m sitting not worth the hassle. Many a child, family member or friend has turned against them for the hurt they’ve caused.
My ex said he’d never been as close to anyone as he had to me as he threw me to the gutter adding he’d live with his regret if he realised later on he’d made a mistake. He’s still in the same relationship after numerous years although the ‘accidental’ pregnancy kind of sealed the deal days into becoming ‘official’. I also think everything for him is about winning so the relationship had to last. It’s just how he is.
I’ve occasionally though wondered about the reality of their relationship having both left others. I think they are however perfectly entitled to live their lives as they feel they need to. You only get one life but I do feel that in pursuit of your own happiness you shouldn’t trample over others to get there. My ex delighted in rubbing my nose in his ‘happiness’ and declared I was unlovable now or ever as far as he was concerned (I never fired back, not once, but instead acted with grace and dignity throughout).
In fact if I was ever in a room with them his new wife guarded him like a pit bull with a new bone. They also seemed distant and cold towards each other. But I guess the heart wants what the heart wants ???
These behaviours and the poison thrown at me at the time did much damage but today I’m stronger than ever and immensely proud of the woman I’ve become and the mountains I’ve climbed. I’ve also never regretted that I was loyal towards him and civilised when I found out about the cheating. That’s who I am. My next relationship along was also not used in retaliation (just a minute whilst I take my halo off … lol).
But you know if there is any regret, shame or guilt on their part it’s theirs to own and work through … and good luck with that !!
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I divorced 6 years ago and with my affair partner. I just moved in with him 6 months ago and we have his kids every other week. My own children refuse to see or speak to me. If I could go back and make different choices I sure would. I was depressed then and I’m depressed now, but I’m fairly hopeless now. I left a life I had made with kids I devoted all my time and energy to. I left them and I didn’t even see it as leaving them u til recently. I’m living a co start nightmare and I can’t wake up.
Yes I love my affair partner, but this is not the life I made. I’m working so hard to figure out how to live. Counseling is definitely not something I can afford, and I’m too shamed to talk to someone from church. I’m positive my DNA has much to do with this because my entire young adult life was focused on not being my mother and now I’m her. It’s like watching a movie and the character knows the prophecy so you think of course they can make choices to ensure it doesn’t come to pass. But somehow it does and it’s tragic. Utterly tragic. That’s my life…tragic. I’d end it if I had the guts. But I also think that might just be even worse for my kids, so at least I can not do that. On the outside I look perfectly happy. In the inside I’m chained to a torture device and watching it all happen.
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This was an interesting article. I left my family some 15 years ago to connect with my first high school sweetheart. Been married 12 years now to her. My adult children do not speak to me and I have two grandchildren, one I have never seen and over a year since I had a FaceTime with the other. I think my children were particularly damaged by this and side with their mother. It does not help that we all live in seperate countries.
After 10 years together with my new wife (7 years married) I found myself in another affair, which has been ongoing for 3 years, until recently when she left her husband (long term issues) and told me she could not see a future as I had made it clear I would not leave for economic reasons. My wife and I get on quite well, though tensions are arising now. I have also been isolated from friends by all of this
I made mistakes early on and listened to my new wife's advise on how to reconnect with my children, which is now fostering resentment in me. This was a huge mistake and I now regret some communications with them. I think as long as I am with my wife, they will not reconnect with me.
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So, here I find myself contemplating leaving again. I am even considering starting again with my affair partner who I love very much and with whom we could marry and have children and start all over again.
I don't know the answer and don't expect one. Maybe I'm just broken inside. My father was a philanderer as was my great grandfather who had two families, in two countries at the same time.
I am depressed and worried that I will end up with nothing and lonely.
The article tells it as it is.
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1. Man, Ryan, you are in a great place! You are starting to stare at the “man in the mirror.” Powerful stuff. I’d re-read your comment and notice the language: You didn’t leave your wife,you “left your “family.” So leaving your family, of course, your kids have feelings about it. Then notice the passivity in your speech: “I found myself in another affair.” That ignores the hundreds of decisions you make along the way. “I would not leave for economic reasons.” Again, you are putting the decision onto factors outside yourself. “I made a mistake early on listening to my new wife’s advise…” Again, it sounds like you are taking responsibility, but you also were a victim of “bad advise.” Now you “find yourself contemplating leaving.” It is as if life circ*mstances are tossing you like a leaf in the wind.
  I am glad you found the article helpful. Get some qualified help so that you can continue to take account of your life and fully own the decisions you have made. It’s not too late to create a different world full of friends, love, and family. But that man in the mirror has to make it happen.
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my wife left me for 2 years after she found out I was infected with herpes, I thought my life was over until I came across a post on Facebook that said so many wonderful things about doctor silver, so I contacted him and he assure me that I will be happy again. He cure me of my herpes and cast a love spell that brought back my wife. thank you doctor silver. you can reach him on email: drsilverhealingtemple@gmail.com or Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/Dr-Silver-love-spell-and-herbal-home-103322975897053/.
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These articles seem to heap even more shame on affairs than the shame that might actually exist. I have been the affair partner of a married woman for the past 12 years. Unless you are "one with God," most of us would never consider adultery as a moral failing. People make mistakes. They marry the wrong person. They are somehow deceived into believing they have met the forever person in their life. In such cases, who has a moral advantage? In particular, how does a psychologist have any higher moral ground to stand on. Did you read your own article? There is nothing wrong with avoiding conflict between couples. In your own written words, "The more you sacrifice, the more you will expect." Why not have those expectations? Why not have those discussions with that married affir partnet in your life? We talk about it all the time. Your article reads like an advertisem*nt for the broken-hearted.
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I love how this article is actually coaching people who cheat how to make their relationship work. 😂 You people are justifying and enabling abuse. Full stop.
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1. He is correct. Author has obviously never been cheated on!
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2. You may want to re-read the article, George. -Dr. K
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The marriage that I had with my wife of 20 years was very good. It's impossible to have a perfect marriage, but it certainly was good, loving, mostly balanced when it came to give-and-take. (I was a little more the "giver" and she a little more the "taker".) However, she fell "madly in love", as they say, for another man, and she chose to divorce me to be with him.
Their relationship has all the hallmarks of limerence, as described by Dr. Joe Beam and others. This is a case where a good marriage is sacrificed for a questionable relationship.
Back to my original point… If you are going to call out another professional for their use of absolutes, then you should avoid making the same error. I have respect for Dr. Phil the work that he does and his written works that I've read. I also have respect for you for the work that you do and most of the writing you've done on this site.
But please, don't make a generalization that simply because a marriage ended in divorce that it was a bad marriage. As a marriage and family therapist (especially one who practices the Gottman Method), I certainly hope that you don't really believe that. People have free will; they can choose to marry, they can choose to have an affair or not (there were times I was infatuated with other women but I resisted temptation out of love for my wife and to honor my beliefs), they can choose to divorce. That doesn't mean the marriage was bad, just because one spouse walks away.
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I spent many years with my ex-husband. We were so in love, or so I thought. Our wedding day was one of the happiest days of my life. We were surrounded by so much love and goodness. We struggled with infertility but with IVF, we had twins and it was wonderful. I always wanted lots of kids. He said he did too. It turned out that he only said that to comfort and support me and was counting on our infertility to keep us at two kids. After we went through our infertility treatments and had our beautiful twins, we had two more children naturally. He later shared that he resented me for having them. During my pregnancy with our last child, my husband grew bitter and angry with me. He was so cold and distant. When he spoke to me it was to criticize me. I leaned hard into my faith. I tried to match his cruelty with love and compassion but it only stirred his wrath all the more. He yelled at me, swore at me, flipped tables, threw things "near me, not at me" as he said. I still tried to reach his once loving heart. When I reached for him for love and affection, he would turn away from me and leave me crying. When our baby was born, she was sick with Meningitis. I stayed with her in the hospital for nearly a month. He hardly called and visited twice. He was caring for our other three children, with the help of my parents and friends. Our church delivered meals each night and his brother helped get the kids ready for school. When I brought our baby home, he was still as difficult and unkind as ever. He yelled at me for how I loaded the dishwasher, put knives in the block, did laundry, planted flowers. I kept trying to please him and whatever I did was never enough. I forgot to pay a bill one day and he lost it. He yelled and upset the table. Our kids cried and hid. A few months later, he stood me up on our Anniversary. When he came home, he heated up the food I had made for us and he turned on the TV. I asked him to talk to me. He turned up the volume. I cried. He yelled. He flipped over the table and broke things. He made a huge mess and he left. Our kids were on the stairs, just crying. My father in law showed up with flowers and to wish us a happy anniversary. He was very saddened by the mess he found. He helped me get the kids back to bed. He hugged me while I wept. He tried to talk to my husband, but it didn't help. From then on though, my father in law called each day and talked to all of us and spoke love, kindness and encouragement into each of us. This sweet man died in 2016. Within weeks, my husband went full on mean to the point it was no longer safe to be with him. During that time, our home was undergoing renovations. The crew working in our home witnessed some of the mistreatment. We talked about it a little. The contractor befriended me and my kids. He was in a similar situation in his own marriage but his wife was hurting him and their daughter. It felt good to talk to someone who understood. One day, my husband hurt me so badly. He got so violent with me. I was crying, a mess. I prayed for God to comfort me and to ease my pain. Or to take me home to him, but not if it meant bad things for our children. I just cried so hard. I felt a hand on my shoulder. It was our contractor. He just held me and let me cry. We bonded in that moment. A love grew where nothing was. We were both married at the time. We were both trying to honor our faith and our spouses. We were so drawn to the goodness in one another. We both knew it was wrong, but we couldn't seem to let the other go. Our marriages both failed. I have my kids full time. My affair partner's daughter left with him and neither of them speak to his former spouse for all she put them through. His son is with us half of the time. His son is cold with me, but I understand and accept it. My kids love my partner. I married my partner a year ago. We have a loving marriage with each other. I also carry a lot of guilt. And shame. I cannot forgive myself for failing my ex and our children. I couldn't live with his anger and the pain it caused anymore. That does not excuse my getting involved with a married man. I was selfish. I hate that this is part of my story. I still love my ex. I just couldn't live with him. He was toxic for me and for our children. He has little to do with our kids. My current husband really stepped up to care for my kids. He loves them like their own dad should have. Blending is hard. I love and care for my current husband. He is sweet and steady. He would do anything for me.
I don't have the depth of love I had for my children's father. I also don't have the devastating lows or the pain of rejection or the abuse. I miss the highs of the love I once had. I miss the depth of affection I had in my heart for my ex. The energy we created when we parted ways coudn't have been more toxic. The energy I have with my current spouse is light and gentle. It is reliable. I will honor my vows to my current husband. I will stand by him come what may. I don't believe I will be unfaithful to him. I feel less sure about his fidelity towards me. I hope I am wrong. Time will tell. I've been supporting all of us through the Pandemic. He is working on building a business. We will see what comes.
I feel kind of empty inside. I feel like I am not deeply connected to anyone anymore. I go through the motions. I have moments of love. I have moments of pain. I've experienced so much loss. I lost my childhood friend in 2015 to breast cancer. I lost my father in law in 2016 (he was my favorite person) like a father to me. My dad had a stroke and cancer, but recovered. I had to move from the home I had all of my kids in. I went through a very bitter divorce. I lost my pap (my pillar). We put my grandmother in a nursing home and sold their home (the only constant place throughout my life). I lost another dear friend in Dec. 2019. Moved in 2020. Lost several residents at once to Covid (I work in a nursing home) in Nov. 2020. And I just lost my sweet dog a week ago. We lost 4 cousins and two uncles to Covid as well. My heart feels bashed to bits. Yet, I have a good man, good health, a warm home and my kids are well. I don't really have any friends. I devote my time to my faith, family, my job, and my home.
I don't know how to let the guilt fade. it's always there. There's so much hurt inside of my heart too. A lot of loss. I want to be joyful. I chose joy. Sorrow is like my constant friend, I just hide it and keep on going. I have much to be thankful for. I am so thankful. I think I need to grieve. Mourn. I haven't really allowed myself to do this. I am afraid to fall apart. Maybe I won't be able to be put back together.
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1. Hi Kristen,
  So much stress. So much loss. You are describing the path of an “exit affair” and this is so common with women. And the smoothness of this new marriage to the current roller-coaster highs and lows of your former marriage is also understandable. You had a long time of full-on anxiety with that man, and we can confuse that with the intensity of love. The full “about-face” is so bewildering and its so easy to blame ourselves. Seeking “asylum” in this new man, and the guilt you feel is an intimate conversation you should be having with your current husband. Share your feelings with him. Ask him for his help and support as you deal with it. And also turn to him to grieve, don’t shut him out. Accepting guilt is a task of adult development. Regret. Embarrassment. Grief. Shame. One approach is learning to live with them and accept them until they fade. Recognize that they will fade if you accept your humanity and failings. We all have them.
  We can all appreciate and join with you as you express the many, many losses you’ve had over these last several years. And the biggest gift you can give to your husband is your truth. Seek out friends among your spiritual community. Learn to be friend to someone who voluntarily chooses to be one with you. It’s a way to round out all the grief you’ve described.
  And if these feelings go on and one, seek out a counselor to explore them in greater detail. You’ve done such a good job here. Allow yourself to do it face-to-face and get comfort.
  My best to you.
  Dr. K
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I thought this was a well informed article until I got to your comment about Polyamory. How disappointing to see such a prejudiced and uninformed comment. Instead of suspecting things and fabricating reasons why don’t you do some reading? You might find Polyamory is a fully realised model and a natural choice for a lot of people who’ve experienced the abject failure of marriage and monogamy. I’m not n poly myself but I certainly have learned a lot about myself and relationships by looking into it.
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3 months ago, my wife of 10 years deserted our marriage for a secret affair and tried to hide it while pushing for a divorce.
Every since this event I have lost a great significance of meaning in my life and struggle to reconcile my with my present. The last thing she said to me was that we never had an emotional connection, then left. It burns to this day. She is currently living with him and draining me for military alimony.
I thought I knew this woman but she has become a totally different person; almost unrecognizable in speech and behavior.
I feel like trash that was taken out. Like nothing in my marriage was worthy of an honest and amicable ending. I don’t trust myself with women anymore. But I still love her and wish her the best as painful as it feels every waking day.
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1. This is a very new relationship and hasn’t run its course. You will get better. I had my husband say the same things to me as he delved into an affair, and he too, became a different person. You will never quite be the same but you will not always feel this way. I’m really sorry, betrayal is a horrendous thing to experience. Allow your self to be in sorrow.
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2. Cory, it is possible that your wife is in limerence for the other person. Limerence is intense, but not long-lasting. https://www.couplestherapyinc.com/limerence/
  When she said that you and she never had an emotional connection, it may have been her “rewriting history”, because some unfaithful partners in limerence for their affair partner will do this. (They might honestly feel that way at the time, only to remember correctly when the limerence comes to an end, a few months to a few years later.)
  When someone leaves a good marriage for their affair partner, there is a distinct chance that they will later want to restore the marriage with their spouse/ex-spouse.
  According to marriage recovery experts, the best thing that a betrayed spouse can do is to work on themselves, for healing, for self-improvement, and to rebuild their own self-esteem. It’s best for them, may attract their spouse back to them, or prepare them for a good relationship with someone else.
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I felt obligated to tell you that your statements about how “meaningless” the feelings of the “third party” to affairs are, and how “no one owes them anything” are dehumanizing to those people, many of whom don’t even know they are involved with a married person and whose lives are often devastated by the affair especially dual deceptions. . Your view on that is very inconsistent with your assertion that such a third party had a duty and responsibility to the spouse to honor and respect vows they never made to anyone.
If my husband and I don’t have to respect her feelings or care how the affair affects her life, how was she obligated to care about how that relationship affected either of us, our family or our marriage?
When my husband cheated on me I didn’t blame that poor girl at all.
He broke his vows. She didn’t know about me, me much less know me.
He had her just as duped as he had me. She had no idea at all that he was a married man with three children. In fact, I had to tell her.
And I did feel sorry for her. She met him online under a fake profile and she didn’t even know his real name.
Unfortunately, he even got her pregnant. My husband and I were 35 and 36 and she was 24. Fortunately for her the courts no longer take your view of her as “human garbage to be thrown in a trash can when he was finished with her” and she gets support for her child who is just as innocent as my three and just as much my husband’s child, and a sibling to my children. I think it’s wrong and sick to take the position that someone doesn’t deserve humanity, respect or compassion because they were involved in an affair. That person is as much of a human being as we are and everyone’s life and feelings matter. She didn’t injure me. My husband injured me. She was as innocent as I was maybe more so because of her youth. I think you should read Ester Perez’s book the State of Affairs and take a more nuanced view that doesn’t strip anyone of their humanity.
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1. A lot of women know they are involved with a married man. My husband cheated on me with a married mom of two young boys and our sons were almost exactly the same age. She knew, she participated, she lied to us and her husband. Her husband took her back and they are intact today. My kids rarely see their dad. She was not innocent like you describe your husbands affair partner. She and my former both trashed my family and we still bare the scars today.
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2. My ex husband’s affair partner knew my husband was married and went after him anyway. Honestly they do not care. This one called me up to announce to me she was taking him. My ex had multiple affairs over a 37 year span and I never knew. He always seemed happy and I loved him very much. Some women just flat out do not care who they hurt because they want what they want. The lack of a moral compass on my husband and her sides is horrendous and I believe affairs are just so incredibly selfish. The pain and suffering caused is never ending and I am just now coming out of an 8 yr funk. They did marry and have been married for 4 years seemingly happy I suppose but I do not buy it. The wreckage they caused my family and my adult children is heartbreaking. Honestly, my one therapist said that people like them often times lack empathy. So interesting because I remember him telling me that he knew he hurt me but he could not quite put himself in my shoes to know how that felt. Unbelievable! My ex is a musician and his affair partner now wife was a record executive. My kids said Dad sold us out for his music. That was more important to him. Now it has been 8 years and he does not have the relationship he once had with his adult daughters. Time makes you stronger. He may have broken my heart but he did not crush my spirit. Life goes on.
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