With its endless ovations and increasingly unwatchable movies, Cannes may be in the can – but one woman has truly opened a can of worms with her whoop-ass treatment of whining celebs.
Footage of a lady-thug security guard manhandling famous femmes at the oh-so-frilly French Riviera film festival has gone more viral than rotten escargot.
It all started when the butch baddie tried to hurry formerly famed singer Kelly Rowland, who was soaking up the glow of her gorgeosity on the iconic red stairs for a beat too long.
Rowdy Rowland stuck her fierce finger in the bouncer's grill and even later suggested the incident was… racist! (What's French for YAWN?)
But it seems this IDGAF usher didn't discriminate.
It all started when the butch baddie tried to hurry formerly famed singer Kelly Rowland, who was soaking up the glow of her gorgeosity on the iconic red stairs for a beat too long.
There's also video of her moving along K-pop star Yoona, bear-hugging some giraffe-legged Ukrainian model to the floor, and nearly throwing blows with Dominican actress Massiel Taveres, who repeatedly tried to unfurl her ridiculous 20-foot train emblazoned with the face of Our Lord and Savior.
No, not Saint Salma of Hayek.
Predictably, social media is ablaze with aghast snowflakes demanding this feisty Frenchie be banned from future festivals.
To which I say: Don't get your La Perla panties in a bunch.
First: It's quite clear to me that this woman was simply doing her job – would she not otherwise have been fired after the first Rowland row?
Second: Who am I to tell a Frenchman to stop when they're actually awake and working!
The truth is, Cannes director Thierry Fremaux has had it up to his yeux with camera-hungry coquettes.
In 2018 he banned stars from taking 'grotesque' selfies. Earlier this year he decried how hyper-political red-carpet posturing was detracting from the cinematic art on display.
(Looking at you Cate Blanchett, who wore a pro-Gaza gown with a Palestinian flag feature, and Bella Hadid, who went Hamas-chic in dress made from keffiyehs.)
This isn't the Moulin Rouge at happy hour. This is cinema, darling!
Fremaux will no doubt have watched in horreur as once classy events like the Met Galahavedeclined into preening pose-fests, now attracting only the most desperate of D-listers.
So what else is a weary frog to do?
My guess is that Fremaux instructed his beauty bruisers to play defense against the legion of foreign egoists descending on his fine town – and good for him.
As for the can-do red-carpet mistress of Cannes, she wins a standing ovation from me. And next year, she should suplex these gruesome gals into the Riviera bay!
There's also video of her moving along K-pop star Yoona, bear-hugging some giraffe-legged Ukrainian model to the floor, and nearly throwing blows with Dominican actress Massiel Taveres (pictured).
The truth is, Cannes director Thierry Fremaux has had it up to his yeux with camera-hungry coquettes. Earlier this year he decried how hyper-political red-carpet posturing was detracting from the cinematic art on display. (Pictured: Cate Blanchett last week).
Biden's 'shower' shame
If you haven't already, you must immediately read my esteemed colleagueMaureen Callahan's recent column on Ashley Biden's diary.
For even though our First Daughter has admitted in a court filing that the missive – stolen and leaked online – is indeed real, so too is the media blackout on this story.
Ashley heartbreakingly details fears she was 'molested', as well as 'trauma' she recalls from her childhood – including, explosively, 'showers with [her] dad' that were 'probably not appropriate'.
If this private journal belonged to one Ivanka Trump and described a co-shower with daddy Donald, the outcry would've been deafening and deserved.
Shame on the silent White House and Sniffy Joe's neutered media lackies.
...but Hunter's still shameless
If the Biden bunch weren't already slimy enough, now we learn howHunter arranged a meeting between his dad, his uncle and his dodgy Chinese business partners to coincide with a 2017 visit to New York City for a memorial commemorating the horrific Sandy Hook slaughter.
Never let a tragedy go to waste, huh, Cracky?
These bribe-happy Commies are the same oil bosses with whom Hunter cobbled together a $10m-a-year deal just months earlier. Good to see Bidenomics benefiting someone, I guess!
Blame it on Kim K
North West'snepo-baby turn as young Simba in The Lion King's 30th anniversary concert – at a little-known venue called the Hollywood freakin' Bowl – has sent fans into feline frenzy.
Kimye's spawn is hardly the next Nancy Sinatra. But it's not as if the tonally challenged 10-year-old snatched the plum spot from a more talented, less fortunate kid with her own two paws.
Blame her mercenary, overexposed parents who won't cease from using their children as extensions of their grotesque selves.
Swift cash grab
The crimson-mouthed Mean Girlwon't be silenced.
Last week, Taylor Swift released not one but three new 'limited editions' of her latest album 'The Tortured Poets Department'.
The blatant cash grab took Swift to a total of more than 20 iterations of this most average of records.
Why so greedy, Goldilocks?
Fans say there's bad blood brewing between Swift and Billie Eilish, whose brilliant new album 'Hit Me Hard And Soft' threatens to leave 'TTPD' in the Kansas City dust.
Billie recently slammed artists who perform three-hour shows as 'literally psychotic' – ahem – and criticized endless re-releases of physical albums as 'wasteful' – ahem, ahem.
Crown Jewels
The Crown actor Charles Dance, 77, was papped sunning his jewels at the Spanish nudist hotspot of Formentera.
I do hope the pasty geezer applied sunscreen to all his spotted bits; a mister would hate to blister his most precious stones!
Perhaps Dance – who was joined in the buff by his much younger girlfriend Alessandra Masi – delights in leaving very little to the imagination.
In his defense, the Spanish water can get awfully cold at this time of year.
The Crown actor Charles Dance, 77, was papped sunning his jewels at the Spanish nudist hotspot of Formentera.
Feral father
Is there anything more annoying than an influencer?
Yes, an Elon Musk fanboy 'dadfluencer' who smacks his babies around for likes.
Malcolm Collins and his dumpy wife Simone are pregnant with their fourth but hope to have seven kids in their pursuit of 'pronatalism' (the belief that more and more brats are the solution to our earthly problems).
Malcolm slapped his 2-year-old across the face in front of a reporter last week before attempting to explain his abuse away saying he and his equally hit-happy wife learned the behavior from observing how tigers treat their cubs in the wild.
Do this pair also pee in public and sink their teeth into live mammals?
There has been a push to take Malcolm and Simone's brood away from them, and I can understand why.
